So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
vagina is talking i cant
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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