apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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