I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The best revenge is premature balding
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
