Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
