well I can't set my house on fire every night
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
