Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
