i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
