Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
