Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize