since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
