Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
