i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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