you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
