Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
