Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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