I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
