Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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