he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize