I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
