I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
