First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
