we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
