If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
