she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
