Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
