I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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