Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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