Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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