We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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