tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
