while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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