The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
