Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
