I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
