So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
