dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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