Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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