Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
