fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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