I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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