What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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