I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
