So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
