forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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