chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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