i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
