The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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