so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize