oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
