so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
