My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
