just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
