thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
