if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
