Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
