I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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