Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
