Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
