please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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